The Four Nations Faceoff
Americans, this is our chance to play the scrappy underdog!
I’m traveling a few days into the future with this one, friends. Thanks for coming with me.
Good evening ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between! Tonight is the Championship match of the #FourNationsFaceoff, a totally made up tournament staged by the National Hockey League (TM). It’s been billed as the most anticipated best-on-best tournament in the recent history of hockey even though the Russian Federation has been excluded for acting too much like an imperial power.
Less on the geopolitical storylines later, but first, a recap of how we got here.
With apologies to Finland and Sweden, who have a fierce border rivalry of their own, it’s the Championship match that everyone was hoping for. Sorry Europe, you just don’t drive clicks and ratings unless Russia is invading.
Now if you’re not a hockey fan, you might be thinking to yourself: how can the nation of Canada with its meagre 40 million people stand up to world’s hegemon boasting a population of 335 million and a GDP of eleventy trillion dollars?
Well, folks, due to a quirk of history, the British-Canadians did a better job culturally appropriating this particular native game than their industrious Big Brother to the South, and have based approximately 59 percent of their cultural identity on it, putting the United States in an unfamiliar position: that of the scrappy underdog.
That’s right, if we’re making analogies:
Canada is the Yankees to America’s Red Sox.
In hockey, the Maple Leaf reigns supreme over the Stars and Stripes like the Lakers over the Clippers or the NFL over all the other professional North American sports leagues.
For any soccer fans, this is like Manchester Whatever vs Brighampton FC. Or Argentina vs England. Brazil vs England?
Whatever, England sucks and down here south of the border we’ve known it since 1776, unlike those Canuckleheads who still put the Queen on their currency.
What’s that, Steve? It’s a King now? Who cares.
That’s right, Americans, in a world in which everyone likes to cast us as the baddies, we get to be the good guys!
So, how did the US and Canada matchup against each other in the round robin?
Well, those Bald Eagles of Bravery came out the gate in the most American way you can imagine: by starting three fights in the first nine seconds of play.
Hockey’s favorite heel of a coach John Torterella sent out his Bash Brothers Matthew and Brady Tkatchuk to drop the gloves on the first shift. Little guy J.T. Miller even got in the action by dancing with Colton Parayko, the official Big Oaf of the Canadian defense corps.
Would the American strategy to intimidate the superstars of the Evil Empire to the north work on venerated Captain Canada Sydney Crosby and his firmly appointed heir-who’s-never-won-anything Connor McDavid?
The Americans got off to a quick 1-0 lead and even killed off a super powered Canadian power play before McDavid evened the score with his blazing speed.
Then Team USA’s stud goalie Connor “oh God don’t make me spell it” Helleybuck shut the door after that. American intimidation might not have slowed down McDavid, but it clearly got through the five-hole of Team Canada keeper and absolute chode of a human Jordan Binnington.
Binnington gave up 3 goals on only 23 shots, and the Americans fought their way to victory on the sticks of of nameless roleplayers Jake Guentzel, Dylan Larkin, and Jake Guentzel again.
Now, as Justin Trudeau exits stage left and Donald Trump prepares to invade our northern neighbor by way of Truth Social, will Sydney Crosby bring home gold once again, or will Connor McDavid be subject to 51st State jokes until next year at the Olympics?
Let’s just hope some stupid tweet about Alexander Ovechkin doesn’t accidentally trigger World War III, because tonight promises to be a hell of a game of hockey.